Introduction
Estrangement from relatives and family is often associated with myths and stigmatization. The loss of attachment that occurs over several years or even decades is also associated with mental trauma and can hardly be related to a positive emotional state. Unlike other issues related to family identities, such as single-parent family life, the aspect of alienation is a relatively young area of research.
The separation that occurs between loved ones is comparable to the loss of family values, and everyone has seen examples of such situations when the closest relatives turn out to be almost strangers to each other. However, given the depth of this problem and its ambiguous implications, can one argue that family estrangement is always an overwhelmingly negative experience? It is worth noting that this choice is sometimes better than one might think.
Some Statistics
Although the topic of family estrangement is an acute problem, its study is not as widespread as everyday issues, for example, abuse or divorce. In this regard, for many, it may be a discovery that this problem is closer than it seems. A simple search on Google Trends reveals that over the past year, searches for family estrangement have been most frequently conducted in Australia, Canada, the UK, and the US (Google Trends, 2023). This, in turn, confirms that even in developed countries, people face this issue and are forced to seek help online.
A study of more than 60 mother-child couples in the United States reveals that 10% of mothers are estranged to some extent from at least one adult child (Gilligan et al., 2022, p. 436). The problem affects more families than it may seem at first glance, and this is an opportunity to focus on the underlying causes and risk factors.
Risk Factors and Causes
Examples of family estrangement can be found worldwide; moreover, one can assume the issue is more common in some countries. One factor is the strength of social support at the state level. In countries with high levels of welfare, people often need their families less and can choose whether to maintain contact with relatives (Johnston & Sullivan, 2020). For instance, in Eastern Europe, where government assistance is limited, older parents and adult children tend to interact more frequently and live closer together (Silverstein et al., 2020). At the same time, a specific mentality and cultural traditions far from always determine the dynamics of the problem.
Financial factors also overlap with other social aspects, such as education and race. In Germany, the level of higher education of adult children is associated with greater conflict with their parents (Hook & Paek, 2020). One assumption is that educated relatives are more geographically mobile and less likely to require financial support from one another (Graham & Pinto, 2021).
Racial differences in the experiences of adult children can also contribute to estrangement. In the families of national minorities, this phenomenon is less common, as such families typically live in dense groups with diverse family ties (Enßle et al., 2022). Nevertheless, while taking into account existing social trends, divorce can be considered the most obvious prerequisite for alienation, especially when it comes to conflict separation between former spouses.
Divorce or Principles?
Divorce is associated with the loss of family relationships and values, particularly, as is commonly believed, this applies to fathers who, for various reasons and circumstances, leave their children with their mothers. There are cases when some parents reject relatives with gender identity, expelling them from the family, and this aspect of the problem is more modern but by no means less severe (Ghosh, 2020). However, as practice shows, alienation is often quiet and silent.
One of the factors may be the strict adherence to personal principles by one of the parents. For instance, a father who highly values the truth refuses a deceitful son (Morrison & Ring, 2021). The example of a mother who highly values independence and stops communicating with her daughter, who, in her opinion, depends on a man, is also relevant (Hou et al., 2020). Thus, equating their children’s actions and deeds with serious misconduct often leaves parents unwilling to forgive, which can lead to alienation.
Two people can have different memories of the same experience. For instance, adult children in the UK most often cite emotional abuse as the reason for their alienation from their parents (Blake et al., 2023). Parents, in turn, are less likely to mention emotional abuse and more often cite such reasons as divorce or not living up to expectations (Blake et al., 2023). Therefore, it is impossible to say unequivocally who is wrong in any given situation. Still, it is safe to say that people can certainly have their own reasons for alienating themselves from loved ones.
It Is Not Always Bad!
For many, estrangement is a profoundly negative phenomenon associated with the violation of family values and the abandonment of life’s guidelines. However, the reality can be much more complex, and individual cases can be a strong reason to say that alienation is not always harmful. Anyone can recall an example of the taboo against divorce, where a woman is tied to abusive and exploitative marriages. Is trying to get rid of such relationships a violation of moral standards? Certainly not, because in addition to social freedoms, legal rights are violated (Giladi, 2020).
A dogmatic belief in the sanctity of family values can lead to constant stress and fear, especially when it comes to fundamental differences in worldview or, for instance, gender identity (Morgan et al., 2023). Such nuances do not lead to the development of personality but only to its oppression, thereby confirming the thesis that estrangement is not only a dead end. If family relationships are conflicting and painful, the alienation of parents and children is the only way out. As a result, people come to understand that avoiding toxic interactions is one of the few right choices.
Conclusion
Family estrangement is mainly painful because it is an ambiguous loss that does not end the relationship. Some blame the culture of individualism, divorce, material security, or gender identity for this phenomenon. However, this is the world of today, and one should not immediately throw judgmental glances at those who have fallen to such a test. After all, some people limit their social interaction to avoid abuse or humiliation, not to boost their ego. This is a choice, and it is not an easy one; there are different situations in which estrangement can be unequivocally interpreted as a negative phenomenon.
References
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