Alex and Gigi
Today I would like to present my communication improvement plans for the couples from “He’s Just Not That Into You.” The first one I would like to discuss is the friendship between Alex and Gigi. The conflict occurs after the party at Alex’s apartment, the invitation for which Gigi misinterpreted as a sign of romantic interest and leads to her attempting to kiss him. However, Alex rebuffs Gig’s advances and criticizes her for twisting his actions to fit her agenda. They begin arguing, and Gigi calls him out for treating woman as expendable objects (Kwapis, 2009).
My hypothesis for the reason behind the conflict is based on the Relationship Rules Theory (DeVito, 2016). Before the conflict, Alex attempted to teach the rules of relationships to Gigi. When Gigi disregards these rules again and instigates physical intimacy, she breaks the rules and boundaries of their friendship.
The first conflict management strategy I propose for Alex and Gigi is face-enhancing. Gigi kissed Alex without his consent based on an assumption. Instead of being angry at him for rejecting her, Gigi should give him space and acknowledge his autonomy (DeVito, 2016). Furthermore, they shouldn’t blame each other for having misaligned feelings because that is an unproductive emotion that only festers resentment. Instead of criticizing each other’s personality and lifestyle, they should help each other retain a positive face by enhancing the other’s self-image (DeVito, 2016). Alex could say, “I appreciate the fact that you are romantic and sensitive, but I need some space to form my own opinion on this issue.”
The second strategy I propose for Alex and Gigi is active talking and listening. They need to sit down, talk, and discuss their boundaries and expectations (DeVito, 2016). Firstly, they should to turn off the TV and devote their attention to one another fully. Secondly, they should state their thoughts and feelings as objectively as possible (DeVito, 2016). Gigi might say: “To be honest, I have never been so emotionally intimate with another person. I realized I had feelings for you, and I assumed they were reciprocated.” Thirdly, Alex and Gigi should express support, empathy, and openness. Alex could validate Gigi’s feelings by saying: “I understand that some of my actions were confusing and could have been misinterpreted. You’re right to be angry.” Active talking and listening create a safe space for vulnerability and lead to a productive conversation about relationship issues.
Ben and Janine
The second couple are a married one: Ben and Janine. Ben confesses that he had extramarital sex. Janine initially forgives him, and even attempts to revive intimacy between them. However, she then finds a pack of cigarettes in his pants despite the fact that her father died from lung cancer and he insisted multiple times that he had quit smoking (Kwapis, 2009).
My hypothesis is that Ben’s pathological lies are understandable through the lens of the Relationship Dialectics Theory. Ben feels internal tension because of his contradictory desires for novelty and predictability (DeVito, 2016). He craves sexual adventures with other women but is simultaneously unwilling to renounce the comfort of his long-term relationship with Janine.
The strategy that best suits Ben and Janine’s issues is active fighting. Instead of withdrawing from the relationship and avoiding their issues, they need to discuss them openly. Ben should tell Janine that he was unfairly pressured into marriage and still feels interested in other women. Janine needs to express her frustration over the question of having a baby instead of pretending to not care. Both need to take responsibility for their feelings, voice them, and listen carefully to the other’s (DeVito, 2016)..
After an active discussion of their issues, Ben and Janine should come up with a win-win solution that satisfies both Ben’s internal tensions and Janine’s desire for a baby (DeVito, 2016). Numerous options could be explored. For example, they could try roleplay to inject some novelty into their sex life. Or perhaps they could even negotiate an open relationship. Furthermore, they should discuss why Ben does not want to start a family yet and come up with solutions that would make him feel ready. Specific goals that need to be met before having a baby and a deadline could be set so both partners feel as if they are winning.
Ben and Anna
The next analysis is the extramarital affair between Ben and Anna. The conflict occurs when Ben forces Anna to hide in the closet when Janine comes to surprise him at work. Anna overhears them have sex, and becomes angry because she assumed that Ben would eventually leave Janine and marry her (Kwapis, 2009).
My hypothesis is built on the Relationship Rules Theory (DeVito, 2016). Anna accepted Ben’s married status as long as it seemed as if he was unhappy with Janine and planning to leave her. However, he broke the rules of extramarital affairs by having sex with his wife.
Since the source of their conflict is visceral and recent, the first strategy I would recommend for both of them is avoidance (DeVito, 2016). Anna did not only find out that Ben still loved his wife, but she was forced to sit in a closet in her underwear and listen to them have sex (Kwapis, 2009). She is understandably shaken and angered by this bizarre situation. Anna needs time to calm down, process this information, and logically think about what she wants from this relationship. Ben should also reassess his life choices and consider possible resolutions to this conflict. Instead of confronting the issue immediately, Anna and Ben need to first get their relationship back to a less hostile stage.
After taking some time to compose themselves, Ben and Anna need to discuss their relationship expectations. While Anna is hoping for that their affair will lead to marriage, it seems as if Ben simply sees her as a temporary source of sexual entertainment. They need to state their thoughts and feelings openly, instead of assuming the other person perceives the relationship the same way (DeVito, 2016). Even if their feelings are hurt and they feel the need to defend themselves, it would be productive to empathize with the other’s position. Active talking and listening would enable them to come to a conclusion about their future together.
Beth and Neil
The next couple are Beth and Neil, and the source of their conflict is marriage. They have been dating for over seven years and Beth has been waiting for a proposal for the last five. However, Neil insists that he does not believe in the institution of marriage and that they do not need to broadcast their relationship or involve the government if they are truly happy. Beth is afraid that Neil does not want to marry specifically her (Kwapis, 2009).
This conflict is best understood through the social exchange theory of profits and losses (DeVito, 2016). Beth believes that her investment into this relationship should be rewarded with a proposal. However, the cost of compromising his beliefs about marriage is too high for Neil.
The first communication strategy Beth and Neil should employ is face-enhancing. Instead of criticizing and demonizing the other for their beliefs, they need to respect each other, listen, and acknowledge the fact that their relationship is satisfactory in every other except this one (DeVito, 2016). Beth should recognize Neil’s autonomy and at least ask why he is so disillusioned with marriage. Neil should understand that his reluctance to propose has made Beth into an object of ridicule for her family and friends. They need to openly discuss this issue while enhancing the other’s self-esteem. For example, Beth could say: “Neil, you are an amazing, committed partner, but I am afraid that your hesitation to get engaged means that you are not 100% confident that you want to marry me.”
Once they fully understand each other’s point of view, they need to find a solution that satisfies both Beth’s need for commitment and Neil’s opposition to the concept of marriage (DeVito, 2016). For example, a domestic partnership can be registered with the state. They can enter a common law marriage if they want to avoid legal formalities. They can even sign a cohabitation agreement that is tailored to their exact preferences. While their beliefs about marriage may seem irreconcilable, there are other ways to express their commitment to each other and satisfy both parties.
Conor and Anna
The fifth couple in this presentation are Conor and Anna. They used to have an intimate relationship. Although they are still physically affectionate, spend substantial time together, and even kiss, Conor is frustrated by the fact that Anna no longer wants to have sex with him. He tries to revive the relationship, but Anna refuses (Kwapis, 2009).
I believe the social exchange theory is applicable in this situation (DeVito, 2016). Anna comes to Connor for care and validation, and thinks that her kisses and time are enough of a reward to satisfy him. However, Conor believes that he should profit more by either receiving sex or entering a serious relationship with Anna.
Once again, this conflict is best resolved through active talking (DeVito, 2016). Anna should openly state that she would like to remain friends with Conor, but is not interested in sex or a future with him. Conor should admit that it is difficult for him to spend time with Anna platonically because he is interested in her romantically and sexually. Both should avoid blame and attempt to empathize and understand each other.
Moreover, in a situation such as this, both need to use face-enhancing strategies (DeVito, 2016). Conor needs to respect Anna’s autonomy because he cannot coerce or rationalize his way into a relationship with her. At the same time, Anna should enhance his self-esteem during her rejection to make him understand that it is not his fault she is not attracted to him. For example, she could say: “You are a very sweet and wonderful guy, and you deserve a girlfriend who will truly see you and appreciate you.” Remaining polite and respectful during the dissolution of a relationship is crucial, especially if it is because of one-sided feelings.
Conor and Mary
The sixth and last couple I would like to analyze are Conor and Mary. The conflict between them occurs during their first-ever conversation over the phone. Mary calls him to discuss work issues, but Conor tries to ask about their mutual friend, Anna. Mary replies with a hard “no” and quickly ends the conversation (Kwapis, 2009).
This conflict perfectly illustrates the social penetration theory. Since Conor and Mary are merely acquaintances talking for first time, the breadth and depth of their conversation is very narrow and superficial (DeVito, 2016). It is inappropriately personal and invasive of him to bring up his romantic interest in Anna.
Since this conflict is very minor, I believe that the best strategy is avoidance. Reacting immediately would only result in hostility, defensiveness, and incite further conflict (DeVito, 2016). It seemed as if he was taken aback, so Conor should take a few moments to constructively assess the situation and understand why Mary reacted that way. Mary should empathize with Conor’s position and not judge him for mentioning Anna. The next time they talk, the conflict will presumably be forgotten but Conor will not make the mistake of discussing Anna with Mary again.
If Conor does decide to address the conflict, the best strategy is face-enhancing (DeVito, 2016). Conor should respect Mary’s boundaries and unwillingness to discuss her friends. He should not blame her for her attitude, and Mary should not blame him for wanting to talk about Anna. Both parties need to remain polite and enhance the other’s self-image. For example, Conor could say: “I am sorry for what happened during our last conversation, I was in a vulnerable position back then but I appreciate you for not judging me. I will not bring up the subject again.” Politeness is crucial since the conflict is very minor and they barely know each other.
And this concludes my presentation on conflict management strategies for the couples from the film “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Thank you for your attention.
References
DeVito, J. A. (2016). The interpersonal communication book (14th ed.). Pearson.
Kwapis, K. (2009). He’s just not that into you [Film]. New Line Cinema.