For many of my friends, the time is right for them to settle down and start families. This is especially true for my girlfriends, who are anxious about meeting a ‘special’ kind of man who will dedicate all his time and resources towards making them happy. Nevertheless, a sizable number of my friends are terrified of the idea of getting married. Most of my acquaintances who are not excited by the idea of getting married cite the high instances of divorce and increasing rates of infidelity among married couples as their main hindrances towards getting married. I believe the marriage institution in its current form is flawed, and it has moved from a natural to unnatural form. In this paper, I will show how monogamy is the main undoing in today’s marriages and how abandoning it could restore the institution of marriage.
Many of my girlfriends flinch at the idea of a polygamous marriage or even an open relationship. Most of these ladies insist that relationships should follow the ‘one man, one woman’ format. The main argument towards this reasoning is that monogamous relationships are beneficial to society. Monogamous relationships confine one partner to another and therefore serve as sanitizers to the society’s morals. Weddings are highly regarded in society because they are the hallmark of monogamy and some of my friends have already imagined how the day they swear to monogamy should look like. Individuals who show contempt towards monogamy are shunned by both the society and the legal system.
For this reason, some of my close friends consider me a ‘freak’ for opposing monogamy. Currently, the practices of polygamy, infidelity, and bigamy are considered illegal in almost all states across the country. I have been led to believe that the only way I can be respected in society as a woman is by associating myself to one man. According to most people, abandoning monogamy would lead to a chaotic society where women are taken advantage of, and the moral fabric of the society is compromised.
When I asked one of my friends whether monogamy is natural, she replied that monogamy is a natural bond among humans and it is made possible by a deep romantic love between mates. This reasoning is quite common among women, although a large portion of men dispute it. One of my girlfriends assures me that monogamy only fails when the bond between the two lovers is compromised. Some psychologists have supported this opinion by claiming that failure in communication is a major contributor to the breakdown of monogamous relationships.
If all of the above claims and arguments were solid enough, the situation on the ground would be different. Currently, it is common knowledge that over fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Even though human beings are supposedly monogamous, the monogamous-marriage institution is failing at an alarming rate. The possibility of divorce is so real such that almost everyone I know who gets into a marriage nowadays signs a prenuptial agreement. This agreement is supposed to ease a possible divorce scenario. While this might be understandable, the contents of some of the prenuptial agreements I have seen highlight the cynicism towards monogamous relationships. For instance, some prenuptial agreements suggest steep penalties in case one of the spouses engages in infidelity. This makes me wonder how a supposedly monogamous society could have such an elaborate divorce industry. If our society was truly monogamous, divorce cases are supposed to be rare but not common occurrences.
One expert on the matter suggests that the concept of ‘naturally monogamous human beings’ is misunderstood by most people. Dr. Helen Fisher, an established anthropologist, suggests that humans are meant to be serially monogamous. However, this monogamy is meant to last for the period it takes for children to be weaned from their mother (four to five years). After this period, both the man and the woman move on in the search for their next monogamous relationship. Therefore, the concept of serial monogamy might be misunderstood by most of those people who adhere to it. In my experience, a modern monogamous relationship remains healthy for three to five years. After these initial blissful years, most relationships become harder and harder to maintain. However, by the end of a monogamous relationship cycle, there are joint responsibilities for the couple. In most cases, joint responsibilities such as children, mortgages, and loan payments end up sticking a couple together.
One can know that monogamy is not a working concept just by observing the current social environment. The media is full of stories about the pitfalls of monogamous relationships. It is no longer shocking for me to see my married acquaintances being involved in cheating scandals and other extramarital affairs. This weakness is not limited to members of any socio-economic status, but it happens to all individuals in society. Therefore, it is necessary to look for working alternatives to the current institution of monogamy.
Statistics suggest that over twenty-five percent of men and eleven percent of women in monogamous relationships are involved in infidelity. Ironically, even some of my friends who are staunch supporters of monogamy had engaged in infidelity when they were in monogamous relationships. Some experts suggest that monogamy is nullified by the fact that men are naturally engineered to pass their genes to as many women as possible. Therefore, it is ‘unnatural’ to confine one man to one woman. Acknowledging this truth would help in reviving the institution of marriage. I believe that instances of monogamy that work only do so by sheer luck or through suppression of instincts.
The main alternative to monogamy is polygamy. Polygamy is a common practice in several societies around the world. In our culture, polygamy is an outlawed practice, and there are legal ramifications towards the practice. However, some societies and religions have harnessed the age-old practice and with good results. A good way of evaluating the effectiveness of monogamy and polygamy is by investigating the societies where each of these practices is prevalent. In a monogamous society such as ours, there are higher instances of infidelity, divorce, and single parenthood. However, in societies that practice polygamy such as some African and Arabic societies, there are lower instances of single parenthood, divorce, and immorality. The people who cling on to monogamy cite ‘unhappiness’ as a common occurrence in societies that practice polygamy.
Nevertheless, it is not clear how a society that is constantly engaging in divorce cases, child custody battles, extramarital affairs, and single parenting could be considered ‘happy.’ Also, monogamy has done more harm than good to us women. In a society with few eligible men, women have had to degrade themselves to outdo their fellow women and attract a viable mate. For example, currently, women are forced to dress provocatively and seek hazardous cosmetic procedures to attract men’s attention. These practices are rare in societies that practice polygamy.
It is not likely that my views will have a far-reaching impact on the current practice. However, society as a whole needs to start examining the institution of monogamy. The situation is getting worse with some individuals abandoning the marriage institution due to its fundamental weaknesses. Meanwhile, across the world, polygamous societies continue to be content with their systems.