Background
Abuse is essentially violence, both physical and emotional. But while everything is more or less clear with physical abuse, if only because it is impossible not to notice it, emotional abuse still needs to be studied and analyzed. Often it is subtle and sophisticated, and the victim may not even immediately realize that the other person’s attitude toward her is emotional abuse and that the abuser’s actions are justified by his bad mood or a fair reaction.
Abuse, unlike conflict, implies a situation of inequality between the participants; that is, one is in a position of greater power. It is not only about physical strength but also about economic advantage, higher status, or simply being dominant (Corey & Corey & Corey, 2019). A classic example of an abusive relationship is a woman who has no access to money, is limited in her relationships with her friends, and is entirely dependent on the man’s decisions. But abusive relationships can be talked about not only in the context of a man-woman couple but also in LGBT relationships and friendships or at work. Emotional abuse should not be confused with conflict. If an individual argues with a partner, a friend, a boss, one yells at the other, and it happened once, one cannot speak of abusive behavior. At the same time, not all manifestations of control in hierarchical relationships are accompanied by abusive behavior. Hierarchy is necessary and beneficial to both parties, for example, at work or in the parent-child relationship (Corey & Corey & Corey, 2019). When a supervisor tells a subordinate what to do, it is suitable for the company. But there are situations where power is used for purposes with which everyone involved disagrees. For example, supervisors use their power to bully a subordinate or constantly give them non-work-related assignments – this is abusive.
How Does Abusive Behavior Manifest Itself
There are different abusive strategies, and the abuser may use only one of them while not sinning with the others. For example, one abuser may be afraid that his partner will leave him and make unfounded jealousy scenes, but he will not nag the person about the other issues (Corey & Corey & Corey, 2019). Other abusers are not fearful of being rejected, but they constantly want to change to improve their partner.
Primary markers that indicate there is emotional abuse in a relationship:
- Criticism/improvement of the partner. There is nothing wrong with criticism in and of itself, but it all depends on whether or not the other wants to “improve” and the extent of the complaint. The usual situation is to express an opinion about the other person, as long as they are ready for it or asks for it (Corey & Corey & Corey, 2019). However, abusers criticize without any invitation, systematically, in a variety of areas: about the appearance, hobbies, and tastes of the other person. At the same time, the abusers almost always add that they know how to do better.
- Gaslighting. This is denying problems, devaluing the victim’s feelings, and imposing the idea that she sees the world wrong and is mentally ill. Often victims of gaslighting soon begin to believe that their reactions are inadequate and wrong and are simply afraid to express their emotions (National Conference of State Legislatures). The same goes for office work: if in response to a desire to discuss a problem with superiors, an employee is called a snitch and made to feel guilty, this is also gaslighting.
- Stalking. The definition is unwanted close attention from one person to another. Romantic and passionate relationships almost always involve abusive behavior because they follow a pattern where one party intensely offers himself, pursues, and the other refuses (National Conference of State Legislatures). The rejection is perceived as a form of play rather than a fundamental disagreement.
- Control. Controlling is the boldest marker of abusive behavior. If there is a ban on seeing friends and family, it is a restriction of freedom. As a result, the victim’s world in an abusive relationship often narrows down to his partner. Contact with the outside world is lost, and this is one of the fundamental reasons the victims are then afraid to cut ties with the abuser – they have no one else. In this way, the abuser tries to ensure his peace of mind by disadvantaging the other party.
- Pathological jealousy. If a person is constantly unreasonably teasing about cheating, checking correspondence – it is exhausting, and not normal (National Conference of State Legislatures). It is regular to worry about fidelity in a particular situation, initiate an honest conversation, and decide together how to make sure one partner’s behavior doesn’t hurt the other.
What Are the Dangers of Abusive Relationships for the Victim
In an abusive relationship, one party develops a fear of the other party, a panic overreactions to specific actions and words. Situations should ring a bell if the individual begins to do something on purpose to avoid upsetting the person (National Conference of State Legislatures). For example, when choosing a thing or preparing a dish, people think only about whether their partner will like it and not check their taste. In such relationships, discomfort is displaced by a sense of support and security (National Conference of State Legislatures). The World Health Organization also lists murder and suicide, trauma, induced abortion, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other anxiety disorders, eating disorders, sleep problems, headaches, and back pain as dangerous consequences of abusive behavior (National Conference of State Legislatures). Later on, emotional stress can lead to depression and nervous breakdowns in the victim.
Why Does the Abuser Behave This Way
In several cases, we can say that the abuser has had a traumatic experience in the past. Violent behavior is an attempt to escape the experiences that were once associated with experiences of helplessness and humiliation (Karakurt & Silver, 2013). On the one hand, such people use violence to avoid situations of helplessness and help themselves from having to face unpleasant experiences. Still, on the other hand, they keep the person in the relationship. Usually, such people treat themselves rather severely as well. Since communication with parents is the first scenario of interaction with the world, we can assume that the abuser had dominating, hyper-parenting parents who did not give the right to make mistakes and did not allow independence, the expert adds. But to justify everything solely by a brutal past is a simplification. Genetic determinism plays a significant role, and different people can grow up in the same context (Karakurt & Silver, 2013). For example, in one family where there was violence, a child will grow up to be tough and robust because they see that not being dominant is terrible, associated with bruises and beatings. And in another similar family, on the contrary, the child will grow up so fractured that he will not even make a sound out of fear, lest he provokes negativity. And in a third case, the child will stir it all up, realize it all, and try to be respectful (Karakurt & Silver, 2013). Another reason why abusive behavior is so typical nowadays is the lack of respect people have for each other, over which the patriarchal culture prevails today. After all, in essence, any abusive behavior is a display of disrespect for the other person.
What Should a Victim of Abusive Behavior Do
The easiest way is to start a dialogue with abusers if they see the problem and want to solve it. But in most situations, this is pointless for reasons. The fact is that abusers until they lose their partner, do not change their strategy. Inside the relationship, they have no motivation to change anything (Karakurt & Silver, 2013). Abuse is their way of building a relationship, of regulating it, and as long as they succeed, as long as the partner is there for them, it works. Abusive relationships take years to live in, but spending the rest of the resources to end that relationship is better (Karakurt & Silver, 2013). It is essential to analyze ways of finishing an abusive relationship:
- Stopping making excuses for the abuser. Understanding that responsibility for the abuse lies with the abuser.
- Setting personal boundaries. Stop responding to provocation and no longer engage in conflict with the abuser.
- Ending that relationship or circumstance. People may need to create a beachhead before doing this – find a job and reconnect with past relationships.
- Finding time for recovering. Psychologists’ help and friends’ support are vital in these situations to help to preserve persons’ sanity (Karakurt & Silver, 2013).
How Do Abusers Deal with Themselves
People’s self-recognizing that they are abusers is the first and most crucial step in correcting the behavior. Often, the abuser doesn’t understand their problem and shifts the blame to their partner’s behavior. It is essential to begin by understanding what peoples’ problem is, then recording what triggers individuals have (Karakurt & Silver, 2013). For example, if non-normative anger is present, it is better to go to a psychologist, and before that, to measure hormones. People need to work with traumatic experiences, work with tracking down strategies, developing alternative ways of communicating, and the skill to cope with stressful situations (Corey & Corey & Corey, 2019). Psychologists agree that an abuser cannot do without the help of a specialist and that working independently will not lead to meaningful results because people are not able to see the full scale of their problem themselves.
References
Corey, G., Corey, M. S., & Corey, C. (2019). Issues and ethics in the helping professions (10th ed.). Boston, MA: Cengage Learning.
Domestic violence/Domestic abuse definitions and relationships. (2019). Legislative News, Studies and Analysis | National Conference of State Legislatures. Web.
Karakurt, G., & Silver, K. E. (2013). Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: the role of gender and age. Violence and victims, 28(5), 804–821. Web.