Asking for help is an ability that not so many people have. Although it may seem easy and basic, asking for help, especially if it crucial for you, is a difficult task that some people prefer to ignore. Nevertheless, I believe that each of us should understand how important and even life-saving it can be.
Personal View
For me, asking for help means communicating with people whom I love and trust. Other sources of help can be books because they often contain answers to those questions that people cannot address. God is another powerful source of support and reassurance to me because when there is no one to ask, God is always near. However, first of all, it is important to learn how to ask for help and how to provide help to others.
People who work in the counseling field can often provide unique support because of their experience and the ability to stay open-minded. They need to become better at what they do, and helping people is one of their duties; therefore, they are experts at both asking and offering help.
Sometimes, asking for help demands courage, and it is hard to reach out to someone if you are not sure whether you will receive any help at all. My mother is one of my most sincere and calming advisors because she is very wise and probably knows me better than I do. Parents are capable of deep understanding and empathy: something that a person seeking help needs. I also believe that empathy is the factor that contributes to your ability to help someone: without understanding, help turns into an obligation.
In a society that cultivates independence and self-confidence, it is sometimes difficult to admit that you need other people to complete a task; it is even harder to acknowledge that you need to ask for help. However, although asking for help is a process that is often regarded as diminishing, it can be life-saving and relieving. I believe that more people need to understand needing help is a healthy condition that everybody experiences during their life.
What is more, I have also noticed that people might not get what they expected when they ask for help. This, in return, leads to catastrophic misunderstandings and the development of fear. Thus, some of us decide that it is better to do everything by yourself than to ask for help. This is a serious psychological discrepancy that I often observe in our society – something that people rarely address but often experience.
Nevertheless, I would not argue that an individualistic society can be blamed for not teaching people how to ask for help; rather, it is the set of beliefs and rules that we learn and follows from childhood on. It is essential for an individual to “manifest [their] specialness”, which also reflects in the refusal to ask for help (Snyder, Lopez, & Pedrotti, 2014, p. 24). Thus, when a person faces a situation that they cannot cope with alone, they have three options: to ask for help, to solve the problem independently, or to do nothing. “Do nothing” is not a choice that is encouraged in individualistic societies that emphasize the person’s achievements. “Asking for help” is seen as weakness and dependency. Therefore, only one choice remains; although often effective, it can also lead to psychological problems or traumas even.
I understand people that find it difficult to ask for help or even admit that they need it; nevertheless, I also believe that one can overcome this barrier if there is not a serious trauma behind this inability to ask for help. Contacting people you are close with, asking them for advice without forming too specific or strict expectations can significantly improve one’s life and well-being. This is the reason why I like to talk about a problem that worries me with older adults; their experience is priceless, and they are good teachers. Moreover, their perspective on life and the troubles it might present is also inherently different from mine, which is a significant advantage. When a person is asking for help, they do not assume you will have the same vision, but rather a different one. That is why asking your friends to help might not be beneficial if you are viewing a problem from the same perspective. Nevertheless, friends are often a source of support as well.
It should also be noted that asking for help is often perceived as an act that is not gender-neutral. For example, some men might see help as a threat to their autonomy and therefore try avoiding it, even when they need assistance (Gergen & Davis, 2013). However, it is clear that asking for help is genderless – it is a basic need that a person of any gender will experience many times in their life. Therefore, asking for help is bound to specific rules and prejudices that circulate in society.
Therapist’s View
The relationships between a patient and a therapist are of utter importance because therapy in its essence is an ask for help, and the therapist responds to it. Previously, the client was seen as a responder, while the therapist was an active agent. However, today the picture is different; I believe that seeing the client as an active partaker is crucial for therapeutic intervention. After all, it is the client who is asking for something, and I, as a therapist, need to respond.
Carey, Kelly, Mansel, and Tai (2012) state that a certain degree of convergence is needed between the patient and the therapist to ensure that the process will continue; moreover, patients and therapists try to be helpful and adjust to the process if it is possible (p. 49). However, not all clients are as open about their problems and traumas as we expect them to be; in this case, I can rely on subtle questions or conversations that will allow me to understand the patient’s problems better. What is more, changes in my behavior can stimulate patients to change their attitude as well, which can lead both to a better or worse discussion of a problem during a therapy session (Carey et al., 2012).
One needs to bear in mind that when a client is asking for help, I have to understand what exactly this client needs instead of bringing my suggestions and views into the problem. Schein (2011) names this type of helping “unhelpful help” and provides an example: when his daughter asked him to help with her homework, he did the math problem for her and returned to his work (p. 3). However, his child was not satisfied; when he asked the child what happened, it turned out that the g wanted to discuss some social problems at school (Schein, 2011). Although his help had the best intentions, it was not effective at all. As a therapist, I believe this lesson should be remembered by any professional – help does not always change behavior or solve a problem, even if it was considered as the best option.
Both asking and offering help are processes that can be labeled as “social” because they involve the individual’s initiative and communication between the agents (Schein, 2011). Not everyone can ask for help due to different factors. For example, McDermott (2015) stresses that adolescents who self-harm are in great need of help but rarely ask for it due to the distress they experience. Some of them believe that these problems are not serious enough or that they should be solved without anyone’s assistance (McDermott, 2015). Moreover, often they do not want any help at all; possibly, because of the attitude they have towards clinics and therapeutic sessions or because they are afraid of the stigma linked to mental illnesses and distress (McDermott, 2015). As a therapist, I have to evaluate all the barriers that these people face: the fear of being judged or misunderstood, the anxiety to be labeled as “weird”, the wish to be “normative” and “within the expectations”. While offering help, these limits need to be considered because they can lead to patient’s reluctance to answer questions or continue the discussion of the problem.
There are various methods that therapists can use during a session to help their patients. I would avoid citing all of them here as it would be an extensive list and will, therefore, focus on one strategy or framework that I find particularly helpful: the Method of Levels (MOL). This method allows the patient to understand and explore their distress or problem by shifting their attention to and becoming aware of the values that create the distress (Carey, Mansell, & Tai, 2015). In this framework, clients are seen as if they are made of levels of control; while the lower levels are more specific, higher levels tend to be general and abstract (Carey et al., 2015). As the client’s ability to self-regulate is disrupted by conflict, the therapist’s task is to redirect the client’s awareness to a higher (abstract level).
The client must admit there is a conflict; otherwise, it will not be possible to work on the disruption. If the MOL is applied correctly, it will allow the client to reorganize the levels and eliminate the conflict. Although the method seems to be easy to implement, it demands practice from experienced clinicians as well. By helping clients explore themselves and their past and recent experiences, the therapist can notice and assess disruptions that clients might face. This theory’s advantage is that it does not only help the therapist to see specific problems, but it also shifts the client’s awareness of the source of stress or conflict. During the session, the client can have a new thought about their problem that is perceived as “sudden”; this thought or idea encourages the client to reflect on an issue or to start questioning a set of beliefs that they had never critically examined.
Conclusion
Asking for help is an essential process of any therapy; although not everyone knows how to ask for help or might experience barriers when asking for it, help can bring significant relief to one’s life. Therapists have a wide range of tools and methods that can be used when helping clients overcome a problem or conflict.
References
Carey, T. A., Kelly, R. E., Mansell, W., & Tai, S. J. (2012). What’s therapeutic about the therapeutic relationship? A hypothesis for practice informed by Perceptual Control Theory. The Cognitive Behaviour Therapist, 5(2-3), 47-59.
Carey, T. A., Mansell, W., & Tai, S. (2015). Principles-based counselling and psychotherapy: A Method of Levels approach. New York, NY: Routledge.
Gergen, M. M., & Davis, S. N. (2013). Toward a new psychology of gender: A reader. New York, NY: Routledge.
McDermott, E. (2015). Asking for help online: Lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans youth, self-harm and articulating the ‘failed’self. Health, 19(6), 561-577.
Schein, E. (2011). Helping: How to offer, give, and receive help. Oakland, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers.
Snyder, C.R., Lopez, S., & Pedrotti, J.T. (2014). Positive psychology: The scientific and practical explorations of human strengths. New York, NY: SAGE Publications.