The Children of Divorce: the Current Situation
The Statistic Data on the Children of Divorce
Because of the difficulties that the children of the modern society are experiencing in the family relationships, most of these children, according to the recent researches, are bound to suffer from the complexes that root from the past during the rest of their lives.
Since the situation has the tendency to spread wider, there is no doubt that it has to be dealt with. With the modern technologies and methods of curing the psychological traumas, it can be suggested that the problems of the children of divorce can be solved, but the numerous theories require a thorough verification.
The Overview of the Environment in Which the Children of Divorce Live
The most recent research show the great increase in the number of divorces across the world, which is mostly due to the shift of the values in the consciousness of the modern society:
The rising divorce rate and the growing number of children whose parents divorced since the 1970s reflected wider social changes and created a shift in the perception and social acceptance of divorce (Eldar-Avidan, D., Haj-Yahia, M. & Greenbaum, 2009, p. 30).
With regard to the above-mentioned situation, the number of the children that have suffered from the parental divorce has grown sufficiently. It must be taken into consideration that every single child that has experienced his or her parents’ parting is psychologically traumatized and needs certain time to get accustomed to the new environment, although this issue often passes unnoticed by the parents.
Since a single-parent family is no longer a tendency, it is needless to say that getting accustomed to the new family also requires time for the child: “Indeed, many parents have remarried and some children in fact live in quardaparent families” (Pfeifer, G. & Abrams, A., 1984, p. 22).
The Difficulties That Children Survive through the Divorce of the Parents
The Problems that the Children of Divorce Face
Among one of the strongest effects that the parental divorce has on the children the process of relocation and its aftereffects is the most notorious. It leads to the quick changes in the family image which has been formed in the child’s mind. Such changes can trigger the severe depression and even neurosis.
The sense of security and stability, which is the main condition for the child’s psychological health, collapses as the family is ruined.
According to Grindes’s (1998) remark, “The two people upon whom the child is dependent are no longer equally accessible to the child and the foundation of the child’s world is splintered.” (p. 119). Thus, the parting of the parents marks the beginning of the process that leads to the moral instability of the child.
In addition to the problem that has been described above, there is another issue that threatens the child of divorce. Since most families do not part peacefully, the scandals of the parents have a harmful effect on the child’s psyche.
Walker (2004) emphasizes that “Conflict-ridden families, either within marriage or post-divorce, create the most difficult environment for the well-being of children, as well as for adults.” (p. 273). It is a well-known fact that the children of divorce are more vulnerable than the other children and that they need a specific approach.
In the most difficult cases, when the child is subdued to the maltreatment of the stepparent, the child abuse can be continuous, since the shock of the divorce can result in the depression and indifference. Faller (1999) warns that the consequences can be tragic:
Children may cope with the abuse as well as the divorce and its aftermath. They may experience continued abuse when the allegation is not believed because it arose in the context of divorce. (166)
The parents must be aware of the threats that the child of divorce faces, otherwise they will not be able to help the child to recover from the shock of the divorce. The child’s psychological health must be their prior concern.
The Possible Suggestions for Solving the Problems: The Recommendations
As it has turned out, the most important step that the divorcing parents can take is to control their emotions. As the parents mistreat each other, the child starts worrying, for his or her world is literally shaking. It seems absurd and scary that what yesterday seemed so stable and firm now is wretched and torn apart.
The breach in the parents’ relationships scares the child, and the fear can result in psychological problems. Faller (1999) explains this phenomenon in the following way:
Parents are often filled with anger and desolation because of the failed marriage. These effects spill over into their relationships with professionals concerned about the abuse allegations and into their relationships with children. (p. 167)
As Gottmann (1997) says, “Love by itself isn’t enough” (p. 16). It is not enough for the child merely to know that he or she is loved and appreciated, because he or she has to feel the presence of this love. Otherwise, there will be no effect of the parents’ attempts to calm down the scared child.
The parental alienation that Warshak (2003) is talking about is not to take place. On no account should the child feel the responsibility for the parents’ divorce. There is a stringent necessity to assure the child that the events that take place in the parents’ life are not the fault of his or hers, and to maintain this assurance.
The recent research shows that the pain of losing the touch with a parent subsides if both divorcees are willing to assist the child. Cooperating to solve the problem, parents are able to make the recovery process faster. Gindes (1998) suggests the following practice:
Living a few minutes apart enables the nonresidential parent to continue to be involved in the children’s lives in a more spontaneous way. The parent can attend school functions as well as pick children up at school. Older children may be able to visit on their own, and “dropping by for a visit” is also possible. (p. 123)
Applied with the necessary diligence and love to the child, the suggested technique is bound to help. Whatever shapes the conflict can take, the problems of the child must be prior to the parents. It is only after the child recovers that the adults can turn to solving their own ones.
Using the New Techniques and Approaches to Help the Children of Divorce
The Existing Parenting Techniques and Approaches to Help the Children of Divorce
Although it has been presumed by most people that the therapy for the children of divorce must be conducted with help of both parents, the recent researches show that there is no need in it.
A single parent is capable of helping the child to overcome the complexes as well, for the child needs only a subtle push to start the process of recovery. This idea suggested by Simon (1999) changed the traditional treatment of the divorce children into a completely new method.
Walker (1993) claims that Children who seem to cope best with and adjust to parental divorce are those who are able to retain a constructive and meaningful relationship with both parents, in families where conflict is minimized. (p. 275)
It has been recently suggested that the means of treatment called “play therapy” (Camastral 2008, p. 100) must be of good use for the children who have been suffering from the parents parting. The therapy is grounded on a completely new method of exploring the subconscious of the children without making them feel uncomfortable.
The idea is based on the game activities as one of the methods to learn about the child’s inner problems and complexes. Suggesting a new and efficient approach, the game therapy is one of the most successful ways to browse through the child’s mind as for today.
The behavioral and Adlerial theories of parenting (Roberts 1991) also emphasize the importance of both parents taking part in the child’s treatment: “A family education model for parenting would focus on the reciprocal relations among all family members” (p. 71)
The author of the method, S. Camastral, makes it obvious that the children of divorce need a specific approach that is aimed at helping them to get rid of their fear.
The fact that the fear of losing the parents blocks their consciousness is absolutely clear; thus, it becomes the main concern of Camastral to investigate the ways to eliminate it. And, since children have the ability to distract from the reality when playing, Camastral (2008) suggests that games should be the clue that will lead to the child’s subconscious:
Some children just laugh and feel relieved at the end of a session, not wanting to be bothered by integrative comments or questions. Others ask lots of questions and create new meaning from linking the ‘play’ story back to their lives. Either way, symbolic action in therapy can recreate the child’s realities and reshuffle his/her internal psychology in a meaningful, positive and creative way. (p. 101)
The Solution for the Family System Problems
Although the problem of the children of divorce seems to touch upon only a single side of the matter, which is the psychological health of the child, the solutions to this problem are hidden within the family relations in general. It must be admitted that the general atmosphere in the family affects the child even more than the parents themselves.
Hence the parents must remember that they have to respect the feelings of the child and not conflict openly, so that he or she could hear the parents arguing. The reasons for the family conflicts can root in every single sphere of the common life. In most cases the bone of discord is the financial question and the status of the head of the family who exercises the privilege to solve it, as Simon (1999) marks:
Usually, compared with her husband, the wife has less money she regards as her own and feels less entitled to set forth terms for the relationship. Typically, she has a greater stake in the survival of the marriage because divorce implies a greater financial, social, and parental burden on her than on him. (p. 27)
Such arguments presuppose that the parents have initially taken the wrong line of conduct to adhere to, and this has triggered the instability of the family. Children are the first to sense it, and as they do, they start panicking. The fear that grips them is the main reason for the various psychological disorders.
It must be also born in mind that the family problems have to be solved with help of all family members. Even after divorce and parting with a child the parent bears the responsibility for the child and his or her development, including its mental, physical and psychological aspects.
In other words, the treatment of the child that has been affected by the parental divorce is impossible if the child’s mother or father cannot participate in the process of treatment. Gindes (1998) expressed the following idea:
Children usually continue to consider both of their parents as part of their family, even following the parents’ separation or divorce. When children are asked to draw a picture of their family, they include both of their parents even if their parents have long been divorced. (p. 121)
Gindes’s idea gives certain insight on the processes that take place in the child’s mind. It clarifies the issue of a child’s neuroses and psychological disorders which occur after the parental divorce. Since a child associates the family with a solid piece that cannot be divided, the parental divorce as the child sees it can be compared to forced amputation.
Conclusion
In the light of everything that has been mentioned above it becomes clear that the children of divorce need careful and thorough treatment. Being weak and unprotected in front of the facts of reality that they have to face, these children are exposed to the danger of losing the touch with the world.
To be more precise, they have no immunity to the dangers that an average child will not take as such. They need the therapy that can heal their psychological problems and help them get rid of their fears.
Numerous theories have been suggested to explain the phenomenon of the children of divorce, and each has come up with a solution. Yet most of the existing theories require thorough verification, for an ill-considered approach can damage the weak psyche of the child and cause him or her even more harm. Most of the existing approaches are focused on the family therapy that implies a model of a family reunion.
Although the importance of both parents participating in the child’s treatment has been emphasized for years, now it has become a doubtful thesis. Instead of forcing the family together, the modern psychologists suggest that one of the parents should help the child to recover from the depression with help of specific games and activities.
According to the modern theories, it is absolutely necessary to explain the child that whatever happens to the relations between the parents, the latter will still love him or her. In most cases, children feel the lack of love of either of the parents, which intensifies the child’s depression.
The sincerity and the wish to help the child to recover from the psychological problem are the best ways to heal the child from the unpleasant consequences which divorce is fraught with.
Reference List
Camastral, S. (2008) No Small Change: Progress-Oriented Play therapy for Children of Separating Parents. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy. 29 (2). 100-106.
Eldar-Avidan, D., Haj-Yahia, M. & Greenbaum, C. W. (2009) Divorce Is a Part of My Life… Resilience, Survival and Vulnerability: Young Adults’ Perception of the Implications of the Parental Divorce. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. 35 (1), 30-46.
Faller, K. C. (1999). Competing Priorities and Agendas and Practical Suggestions. New York, NY: Routledge.
Gindes, M. (1998) The Psychological Effect of Relocation for Children of Divorce. Child and Family Behavior Therapy. 15, 119-148.
Gottmann, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (1997) The Heart of Parenting: How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.
Pfeifer, G., & Abrams, L. (1984). School-Based Discussion Groups for Children of Divorce: A Pilot Program. Group. 8 (4). 22-28.
Roberts, T. W. (1991) Recognizing the Strengths of Systemic Parenting: Paradigm Shift in Parent-Child Relationships. Family Science Review, 4 (1-2). Web.
Simon, R. (1999) The Art of Psychotherapy: Case Studies from the Family Therapy Networker. New York, NY: John Wiley & Sons.
Walker, J. (1993) Co-Operative Parenting Post-Divorce: Possibility or Pipedream? Journal of Family Therapy. 15 (3). New York, NY: John Wiley & Sons. pp.273-293.
Warshak, R. A. (2003) Divorce Position: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex. New York, NY: Harper Paperback.