Formality in writing is essential for scholarly works. Even the best ideas lose their appeal if they are poorly described. This issue can be avoided through the use of formal writing. This paper will cover how writing can be improved through formality, by editing the provided passage and then justifying those changes.
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Second Draft of the Passage
Education is the foundation for personal success. In the field of education, teachers play a leading role. They are responsible for expanding the knowledge of the students and have a strong influence on the future of the generation. During their career training, they are prepared to teach either average classrooms or inner city schools. Department of Juvenile Justice outsources teachers, but they are often unprepared for the task. A study from Florida suggests that about half of the teachers that join the DJJ team leave to have a career elsewhere. The reasons for this phenomenon are clear. When educators are introduced into these correctional facilities, they are faced with educating children with learning and social disabilities.
However, the system is the main culprit. Teachers need to be a part of the professional staff. They are a key component of the juvenile correctional system, just like the Juvenile Correctional Officers. Teachers receive an extensive course of specialized training, not unlike the JCOs. The system could greatly benefit if the teachers were trained with the same guidelines as JCOs. Teacher satisfaction would increase if they had the proper training. Subsequently, this satisfaction would result in the longer careers for teachers in DJJ. On the other hand, JCO’s should be educated on the committed youth’s disabilities. This information should help the teachers outside of the classroom. Unified training could prove to be highly effective for the teachers and disciplinary facilities alike.
I have changed the first sentence to make it less wordy and accentuate the importance of education. The issues of clarity were common in this passage, so I have chosen to address them. The second sentence was too informal and short, so I chose to expand it and slightly change the meaning for the sake of clarity. While this is not a complete analogy, the text does not lose anything from it. I have changed the third sentence to improve grammar and clarity. Grammatical errors were present in a few sentences; they had to be corrected to create a formal text. I have improved the formality of the fourth sentence to make it sound professional. Some of the sentences featured contractions or informal speech which I corrected. The changes to the fifth sentence create a more formal tone. I have improved the sentence structure of the sixth sentence.
Multiple sentences featured simple or incorrect structure which I made more sophisticated. I rewrote the seventh sentence to have a more professional tone. The eighth sentence required a more formal tone to achieve political correctness. While there was no ill will on the part of the author, the choice of words was problematic. The ninth sentence began with “but,” therefore it needed to be restructured. The tenth sentence required a small change to make its point clear. I have slightly changed the grammar of the eleventh sentence to make its idea clearer. I have combined the next two sentences because they articulated the same point. The next two sentences were combined into one to improve their structure and vocabulary. I have rephrased the next sentence to convey a more professional tone. I have done the same with the sentence after that. I have changed the transitional words to “on the other hand” to make the sentence more natural. In the next sentence, I have changed “will” to “should” because the author cannot be certain of these results. I have rephrased the last sentence to provide a more professional tone. In the end, I had to rewrite most of the passage, but I believe the final result is a clear text written with a formal tone.
The provided text had an excellent point to make about the education in the disciplinary system. Unfortunately, this point was almost lost in the informal style of the writer. Some sentences were unclear; others had grammatical issues. However, through careful editing, these errors can be fixed, and the message can be delivered with clarity. Hopefully, this revision presents the same ideas in a more professional and formal tone.