Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships, is a chef-d’oeuvre treatise on listening and talking by James C. Petersen. The author shares communication and listening skills that people practice in their day-to-day interactions with other individuals whether at work, home, school, or anywhere else where human relations are involved. The book is divided into five sections with each addressing a different issue concerning the topic of communication. In the first section, the author talks about communication options before developing a pragmatic approach to listening and talking in the second section. The third part highlights the various communication traps together with listening techniques that could be employed in everyday human interactions. In the fourth section, the author discusses how the talker-listener methodology could be integrated into group facilitation and concludes with the basic philosophical maxims of communication.
In part one, “Options in Communicating”, Petersen (2015) develops what he calls the Flat-Brain Theory – a theory of emotions that involves the head, heart, and stomach. In this case, the head is associated with thoughts, the stomach embodies emotions, and the heart carries personal responsibility. The author argues that the Flat-Brain theory explains how “our emotions, thinking, and relating abilities work and how what goes on inside us comes out in the ways we communicate and act” (Petersen, 2015, p. 8). For instance, when the emotional stomach is bloated, it leads to heart pressure, which in turn adversely affects personal responsibility ultimately flattening the brain; hence, skewed thoughts.
Part two, “The Talker-Listener Process”, discusses how people could deploy the talker-listener card. According to the author, this card delineates who is listening and who is talking whereby the talker is expected to assume responsibility while the listener is supposed to stay detached. Additionally, the card states specific goals for each party for effective communication to take place. For instance, the talker’s objectives include sharing feelings and thoughts, while those of the listener entail providing a clarifying, understanding, and safe environment for the talker to deliver his or her message. In addition, the card gives warnings to both the listener and the talker with the listener being warned against defending, advising, agreeing, or disagreeing. On the other hand, the talker should not judge, label, attack, or accuse the listener.
“The Listening Techniques” is the third section and it addresses the various communication traps that people often fall into when interacting with other individuals. The common traps include masking questions as statements, engaging in ritualistic listening, presenting accusing questions, and “yes-butting” whereby a person says “yes” and immediately adds “but”, which is a way of disagreeing with what is being said. Therefore, to avoid these traps, Peterson (2015) gives a detailed list of effective listening techniques, such as asking solution-focused questions, establishing a rapport-building process, becoming empathetic, using various methods of inquiry, and applying emotional connection devices among other related skills.
The last two sections of the book are short whereby in part four, “Using the TLC in Groups” Petersen (2015) explores how the talker-listener card (TLC) methodology could be applied in various group settings including in families and during difficult negotiations and conversations. Using this methodology, people could make decisions together through sharing, negotiating, and closing. In the last section, “Concluding Philosophy”, the author goes beyond skills to explore the role of empathy, genuineness, warmth, and therapeutic approaches to effective communication.
Overall, the book is well-written using simple language that could be understood by a wide audience. Additionally, the book is divided into distinct sections allowing the reader to follow the author’s thoughts and arguments without getting lost in the process. The most interesting concepts about the book include the augmentation of foundational concepts to highlight communication insights and make people better listeners and talkers. Similarly, the topic of traps that adversely affect effective communication is eye-opening and highly informative. Another strength of this book is the author’s paradoxical observation that interruption could be used to show interest in the counselee.
However, despite the many strengths associated with this book, it has various weaknesses and areas that could be explored further. First, the author overlooks the integration of practical application of various techniques used in communication. For instance, while Petersen (2015) argues that people should not defend themselves when criticized, he does not discuss how such a goal could be achieved, specifically by giving practical techniques of eliminating defensiveness. Additionally, the author works with the assumption that human beings are inherently “nice people”. However, this assumption is flawed, and thus some of the suggestions that he presents in the book might not be applicable in real-life situations, especially in cases where the involved parties are hostile.
The book, Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships, is an insightful work on how people could become better talkers and listeners, thus promoting effective communication in the process. Divided into five sections, the book is an eye-opener as the author uses foundational concepts to explore the topic of communication. The book has several strengths and weaknesses as discussed in this paper.
Reference
Petersen, J. C. (2015). Why don’t we listen better? Communicating & connecting in relationships (2nd ed.). Petersen Publications.