Differences in the men’s and women’s conversation styles have been the focus of many researches and books. Differences in the way men and women interpret the exact same words often lead to misunderstandings and while the differences themselves may be subtle, the impact they can have can be quite significant. Deborah Tannen is a reputed linguistics professor and scholar, and her book, “You Just Don’t Understand: Men and Women in Conversation” contains research-based accounts of differences in gender communication.
According to Tannen (1991), men and women use different ways in expressing themselves, and their reasons for communication differ: for men, the purpose of communication is to maintain independence while for women communication serves the purpose of maintaining intimacy. Men have a need to establish their status and consciously or consciously, their communication is meant to do this for them. Women on the other hand, communicate as their words give them a chance to connect emotionally with the other person, and to build rapport.
Tannen (1991) quotes a conversation which goes like this:
“A married couple was in a car when the wife turned to her husband and asked, “Would you like to stop for a coffee?”
“No, thanks,” he answered truthfully. So they didn’t stop.”
The result of this short conversation was that the wife ended up irritated because she had actually wanted to stop and she felt that her inclination had not been given priority by her husband. The flip side of the picture was that the husband senses his wife’s annoyance and became frustrated, as he wondered why didn’t she just express her preference to stop in clearer terms? This is a very common difference in communication styles which afflicts many interactions between men and women. While the wife was not seeking an instant decision, simply trying to start a negotiation, the husband had not given the final decision, but simply expressed the fact that he did not feel like stopping for coffee. However, both parties interpreted each other’s signals differently and ended up feeling angry at the other’s supposed stubbornness and selfishness.
In her book, Tannen (1991) asserted that men and women simply ‘play by different conversational rules’. Another sample from her book is as follows:
“When Josh’s old high-school friend called him at work to say he’d be in town, Josh invited him to stay for the weekend. That evening he told Linda they were having a house guest.
Linda was upset. How could Josh make these plans without discussing them with her beforehand? She would never do that to him. “Why don’t you tell your friend you have to check with your wife?” she asked.
Josh replied, “I can’t tell my friend, ‘I have to ask my wife for permission’!””
For men, maintaining their independence is a top priority while women tend to focus more on maintaining a supportive and close relationship. Josh felt that checking with his wife first would be a sign that he did not have the autonomy to make his own decisions. For Linda however, telling someone, “I have to check with Josh” actually makes her feel good as it gives her a feeling of intimacy with her husband and she liked the fact that her life is closely connected to her husband’s.
Another common conflict which arises is when men treats complaints as an opportunity to provide a solution when women are simply seeking a shoulder to cry on, a place for emotional support when they can vent and feel better afterwards. After Eve had a benign lump removed from her breast, she confided to Mark, her husband, how she did not like how the stitches had left her looking, physically. He proposed plastic surgery. This comment irritated her and what followed was:
“I’m sorry you don’t like the way it looks,” she protested. “But I’m not having any more surgery!”
Mark was hurt and puzzled. “I don’t care about a scar,” he replied. “It doesn’t bother me at all.”
“Then why are you telling me to have plastic surgery?” she asked.
“Because you were upset about the way it looks.”
Here, Eve wasn’t asking for a solution, simply some emotional support, but for men generally, an airing of a grievance is a challenge to figure out a solution to the problem. Men focus on what they can do, while women simply want some sympathy. This difference in approach often leads to interpersonal conflict or misunderstandings.
Men also don’t like being told what to do, and if they feel that someone is trying to convince them to do something indirectly, they feel like they are being manipulated, and immediately adopt a resentful stance, something they would not do if faced with a simple request. In Tannen (1991), the author quotes a wife who frequently starts her statements with “Let’s.”
“She might say “Let’s park over there” or “Let’s clean up now, before lunch.”
This makes Nathan angry. He has deciphered Diana’s “Let’s” as a command. Like most men, he resists being told what to do. But to Diana, she is making suggestions, not demands. Like most women, she formulates her requests as proposals rather than orders.”
While Diana is simply seeking agreement, Nathan misinterprets this as an order, which he does not like. He often responds resentfully, and Diana does not understand the reason for this as she had simply made a suggestion!
Another area where men’s and women’s conversations differ is that women need to tell their girl friends everything about their lives. Men, on the other hand, draw certain boundaries and do not discuss the intimate details of their lives with their male friends. In Friends (Season 3, Ep. 1), the characters of Ross and Rachel have an argument pertaining to this:
“Ross: How could you have told her?
Rachel: Ross, I didn’t think it would that big of a deal.
Ross: Look, that was supposed to be like a private, personal thing between us.
Rachel: Okay, Ross, Phoebe is my girlfriend, okay, we tell each other everything.”
The same way, when Ross tried to talk about personal things with his male friend, his friend ended up sharing a lot more than was warranted, and Ross had to end the conversation by saying, “I said ‘*share*’ not ‘*scare*’. Go sit over there!”
Conclusively, both genders need to understand the inherent variations in the communication styles as well as content so that they have a better chance to find a middle ground where both can comprehend each other better. Women must understand that men have a particular need for status and an unemotional approach to situations, where they focus simply on the task to be done and not so much on reading between the lines in a conversation. As Tannen (1991) said, “For women, talking about troubles is the essence of connection. I tell you my troubles, you tell me your troubles, and we’re close. Men, however, hear troubles talk as a request for advice, so they respond with a solution.” The same way, men should also understand that women have a deep need to connect emotionally with people, and a desire for support. Also, their style of communication can be indirect compared that that men. Hence, these differences in men’s and women’s conversations must be understood in order to prevent conflict and misunderstandings from arising.
References
- Friends DVD, Season 3 Episode 1.
- Tannen, Deborah. You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. New York: Ballantine Books, 1991.