One of the essential means for attaining happiness is the feeling of emotional security. Usually, this feeling appears as a result of healthy family relationships and wise guidance that parents provide to their children. A person that grew up in such an environment, in most cases, would have particular qualities that altogether ensure the feeling of security. In this essay, five characteristics of the secure self will be identified and briefly explained, as well as examples of how they could be attained.
Emotional Strength
People with emotional strength are not those who do not have any feelings at all. Often, their feelings are even more intense than those of others considered emotionally vulnerable. However, as Clinton and Sibcy (2006) argue, the main characteristic of emotionally strong people is that they are not afraid of their feelings. In the family, this quality may be nurtured in children through an open and clear expression of emotions. Nevertheless, this expression should not be out of balance, even being negative. If parents critique the children, they must explain why they do so.
A Willingness to Seek and Accept Comfort, Especially in Times of Trouble
While everyone encounters troubles in life, secure people are not crushed by them. The reason for their strength at the time of difficulties is their reliance on others and seeking emotional support in them. It might be said that “God has programmed us to seek connection with and comfort from others” (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 61). Thus, turning to others is appealing to God, which ensures inner power and security. In the family, this quality may be nurtured in the children through family members’ connection and support in times of trouble. It is better to discuss the problems, rather than lock negative emotions inside without manifesting them.
Courage for Love and Intimacy
Love implies a total commitment to another person, which is not easily attained. However, in social media, the opposite model is promoted, where “love is easy, intimacy reaches fulfillment on the second date, and both are effortless” (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 62). the In words of Clinton and Sibcy (2006), “any time you have love without work, you don’t have love; you merely have infatuation” (p. 62). In the family, in the parents have this model of the relationship between themselves and towards each family member, the children would follow it as well in their life.
Self-Responsibility
In life, one cannot avoid encountering unpredicted, often in the negative sense, situations. Although no one can control these events, self-secure people “can determine how they react to those events” (Clinton & Sibcy, 2006, p. 64). Thus, they are responsible not for the events but can control their reactions to them. This quality can be developed in young people if the parents require their responsibility in case if they have done something wrong. The statement that something happened by itself should not be accepted without analysis.
Courage
The last characteristic, courage, is sometimes considered as a lack of fear. However, instead of it, Clinton and Sibcy (2006) define it as “acting in the face of fear when we determine that action is needed” (p. 64). For example, if a particular situation caused negative emotions in the past, one may be afraid to experience it again, which often happens in personal relations after a break-up. However, secure people do not have such fear and open to are new experiences. It seems that this quality requires time to be developed in the person, as only the understanding that with time, all the negative memories disappear.
Conclusion
In summary, five characteristics of the secure self are emotional strength, a willingness to seek comfort in others, courage for love and intimacy, self-responsibility, and courage. They all require opening one’s mind and heart to emotions without fear and accepting the challenges and necessity of inner work. In the family, it is essential to have the model of healthy relations, which ensures building self-security in children. However, some qualities, such as courage, might be developed with life experience and attaining maturity.
Reference
Clinton, T., & Sibcy, G. (2006). Why you do the things you do: The secret to healthy relationships. Thomas Nelson.