Introduction
According to Aristotle, while most of our daily pursuits are engaged in a pursuit of happiness, happiness is frequently pursued simply as an end in itself (cited in Bolt, 2004: 117). However, most people have no idea what happiness is or really how to attain it. This is first because happiness is a very subjective subject, meaning something different to different individuals, and second because the modern world offers so many distractions that are touted as being the path to happiness. In America, for instance, we are taught that happiness can be attained once we have finally acquired a luxury car, a fine house and a stunning wardrobe to show off the tremendous body we’ve maintained with the help of our personal trainer – or some such nonsense. “To fulfill their dreams, Americans claim they need an annual income of $102,000 (Myers, 2000). Moreover, nearly three-quarters of college freshmen consider being ‘very well-off financially’ to be a ‘very important’ or ‘essential’ goal” (Bolt, 2004: 124). However, research into what happiness means, both in terms of research goals and as it personally applies to me, has revealed that few of these things are even capable of registering in the list of considerations, with the possible lone exception of the great body, simply by way of being healthy.
Discussion
For a small space of time, I engaged in listing out the 33 happiest moments of my life and then grouping these results into categories which revealed themselves as accomplishments, gifts, helping others, family, trips, nature and miscellaneous. The research supports my findings. “According to Van Boven, experiences bring more joy than material goods because they are more open to positive reinterpretations, are a more meaningful part of one’s identity and contribute more to successful social relationships” (2003). Even in those areas that might sound more like a focus on material elements, such as the gifts category, the focus is clearly more on the experience involved rather than the item itself. Perhaps the most materialistic of these thoughts was my dad’s purchase of my first car, a giant ugly machine that provided me with a safe, smooth ride and the ultimate sound system for my riding experience. I hated the car, but loved the experience and the thoughtfulness of my dad in making sure I was comfortable and safe. Trips may seem to be another category full of materialistic aims, but again, my memories are associated more with the way they made me feel about myself and the pleasure I had in experiencing these trips with someone I loved. In remembering these events, I find myself caught a bit uncomfortably between the theories of Kahneman and Seligman (cited in Wallis, 2005). Kahneman says that our memories of our experiences, (our remembering self), are strongly influenced by the highs and lows of the event, particularly in how it ends (the influences on the experiencing self) while Seligman says that our remembering self determines almost on its own what it chooses to focus on. “I think we are our memories more than we are the sum total of our experiences” (Seligman cited in Wallis, 2005). I think it is impossible for us not to be affected by the influences of the moment, yet I think it is also true that we can choose to focus on the positive elements, such as the fun my boyfriend and I had trying to win back our losses in Atlantic City, or on the negative, such as the extra money we lost as a result.
After placing my happy moments into categories, I discovered there are happier moments listed involving my family and acts of kindness by helping others. In particular, my family’s benevolence to others dominated my happy moment list. I have always been sensitive to another person’s feelings. Even as child, I remember caring more about respecting the sensitivities of other individuals rather than my own happiness. In the past, my personality projected an outgoing, positive and optimistic spirit. “A 2002 study conducted at the University of Illinois by Diener and Seligman found that the most salient characteristics shared by the 10% of students with the highest levels of happiness and the fewest signs of depression were their strong ties to friends and family and commitment to spending time with them” (Wallis, 2005). I love and enjoy the presence of people. People are like diamonds, if you look deeply into their soul, you can see the purity, richness, symmetry and weight of their heart. Everyone has something positive to offer, we just have to open our hearts to see it. Because of my ability to see the good in people, I think I am more inclined to want to do things that will help them, and these times I have done this have appeared in my happiest moments. This is also supported in the research. “Giving makes you feel good about yourself … When you’re volunteering, you’re distracting yourself from your own existence, and that’s beneficial. More fuzzily, giving puts meaning into your life. You have a sense of purpose because you matter to someone else” (Peterson cited in Wallis, 2005). It has also been my pleasure, as I see in my journals, to watch this trait be passed along to my children, hopefully contributing to my ultimate hopes for them, which is to be happy and healthy adults.
From analyzing my happy moment journals, I realize happiness has been missing in my life, when I lost it and how to reclaim it. In my present life, I feel introverted, frustrated, and empty. These feelings developed gradually over time without my recognizing a transformation had occurred. Analyzing my happiness journal, I now know why I am not happy anymore. There was an eight year span of my life that endured dramatic distress; the death of my husband, my two closest friends moved out-of-state, my children grew up and moved out-of-the-house, I lost my job, and I have invested years of my life in a loveless relationship. My husband’s death was dramatic but I did not have time to grieve. I had three children that demanded my love and my strength. I think because of their needs, I was able to be productive and did not have the time to conceptualize the loss. My friends also provided me with a source for social stimulation. However, when they both moved away, I became socially inactive and did not pursue any new friendships. Nor did I engage in any alternative activities, such as a hobby. The only child still living at home is a wonderful productive citizen, who happens to be introverted, so we rarely have lengthy conversations. During this time I thought I could replace my unhappiness with material things. Shopping became my therapy. Things provided me with instant gratification, but the feeling of satisfaction was always short lived. As the research indicates, “materialism is toxic for happiness” (Bolt, 2004: 124). Meanwhile my credit card bills continued to grow and I began to think all I needed to do to be happy was to earn more money. Again, the research denied the explanation: “Research by Diener, among others, has shown that once your basic needs are met, additional income does little to raise your sense of satisfaction with life” (Wallis, 2005). Realizing that this wasn’t a replacement for love and social stimulation and was only causing more problems, I retreated to the comfort of my home and found solace in watching TV and overeating. Occasionally, I would notice myself gaining unacceptable weight and would go on an exercise kick, but eventually would fall back into just staring at the TV. I continued this pattern for a while until I finally realized what I was doing and made a commitment to change my state of mind. I wanted to reclaim the person I once knew; happy, intrinsically motivated and filled with vitality.
To meet this crisis, I decided to go back to school, which turned out to be an excellent decision as evidenced from this single exercise. In reviewing the research, Seligman’s theories stood out most clearly to me. He suggests there are three components of happiness which include pleasure, engagement and meaning. Pleasure is used to refer to the immediate happy feelings of the experiencing self that are felt when you buy that beautiful new blouse you’ve wanted or drive away in your new car. This is the feeling that most people in America seek and the one that is maximized on TV commercials. However, it is a very shallow feeling and, as is illustrated throughout the literature, is very fleeting, lasting three months or less in most cases. Engagement refers to our level of involvement with friends and family while meaning refers to putting our strengths to some greater purpose. As Seligman says, “it turns out that engagement and meaning are much more important” (cited in Wallis, 2005). When I was younger, I had these connections. My happiness journal demonstrates I had an inner awareness of how to be happy that I lost somewhere along the way. In searching to find it again, I fell into the commercial trap of seeking pleasure as a means of attaining happiness, but in truth, what I need to do is rededicate myself to the values of my youth – working with others, spending time with family and enjoying the experiences of life.
References
Bolt, Martin. (2004). Happiness, Chap. 6. In Pursuing Human Strengths. Worth Publishers: 117-137.
Van Boven, L. (2003). Experiences Makes People Happier Than Material Goods, Says CU Prof. 2008. Web.
Wallis, Claudia. (2005). “The New Science of Happiness: What Makes the Human Heart Sing? Researchers are taking a close look. What they’ve found may surprise you.” Time. Vol. 165, N. 3: A2.