Introduction
We live in a world where love, care, and intimacy are often taken for granted in favor of the cheap and immediate thrills that our limited time allows. Sometimes, a day passes when we forget to remind each other of our importance in each other’s lives. Sometimes we let our arguments remain unresolved for days because we have too many things to do.
It hurts me to realize that the same love that brought us together is also the same love that tears us apart because we fail to work on our relationship. In order to be fair to each other, and not leave us guessing about where we stand or how we expect each other to act within the confines of our marriage, I thought it best that we spell out what our expectations are out of this relationship. I am coming out into the open with you in the hopes that you will do the same with me and thereby help improve our relationship now and the future.
Discussion
First of all, you should know that I do not believe that we shold strive to have an argumentless marriage. I want us to argue when there is something we don’t agree upon. This exchange of ideas will help us learn more about each others personality and also help our relationship grow. Experts like Gottman and Silver (1994) have expressed the opinion that in order for a marital relationship to grow, the coupled must also display an ever evolving style of arguing which eventually set the pace for the relationship. These argument styles are the validating, volatile, and conflict avoiding types of arguments.
It is my belief that our relationship shall start with the volatile agruments because we will have yet to discover everything we have in common or not. So don’t give up when we end up in heated and passionate arguments at the start. It does not mean I love you less or you love me less. It just means we are trying to find some common ground between us. Later on, I am sure we will come to the point in our married lives when we reach the Conlict avoiding stage. Although it might seem wise at this state for us to “…agree to disagree, rarely confronting their differences head on” (Gottman & Silver, 1994), this will also leave us with plenty of unresolved issues and misunderstandings. Rather than keeping things bottled up inside, I hope that we can instead have validating arguments which usually exists when “Couples compromise often and calmly work out their problems to mutual satisfaction as they arise.” (Gottman & Silver, 1994).
Don’t get me wrong, I realize that the marital vows we took means that we have our work cut out for us if our marriage is to survive. That is why I am writing this letter to you. I want you to know that I do not have any unreasonable expectations of married life and how it should be conducted. I was reading another article called Simple Steps For Making Marriage Work (Gott, 2007) and I came to the understanding that we will both need to see the warning signs when our marriage starts to hit the skids. We need to know how to strike up a conversation concerning a delicate topic with each other. It won’t hurt to fire a warning shot at the start and ask me to pay attention to what you are saying. Don’t hesitate to tell me to keep an open mind and I will do the same with you. More importanly, I wil practice “biting my tongue” when it seems like we are escalating into an argument. The one thing I never want either of us to have is regret at having said something in the heat of the moment. Such harsh words will not serve the purpose of helping us grow as individuals within the context of our relationship.
Of course I have certain expectations about our relationship but I do not see these expectations as permament and non – negotiable. On my part, I will work hard to stick to our unspoken rules that established during our courtship stage. I already have an understanding of how you expect me to conduct myself and it is my hope that you also have an idea of how I expect you to act. There is nothing that we cannot accomplish together as long as we are willing to compromise and work on our problems and misunderstandings.
Let me tell you something that shows you that I am in this for the long haul with you. I want to see your insecurities and imperfections. I want you to see mine. Why would I want this? I believe that by acknowledging our imprefections in our lives, we will end up complimenting each others weaknesses and strengths. This will help us achive a gelling of personalities and beliefs which will lead us down a smoother path during our marriage.
For me, our relationship is a two way street. Neither of us has to do all the hard work and neither of us should take sole credit for our relationship working as well. Ours is an equal partnership that will always recognize all the contributions of the other, big or small, towards the success of our partnership. Armed with these informational tidbits, I know that we will be able to resolve any issues in the future that will pose a threat to our relatioonship bliss. After all, there is no such thing as the perfect relationship. Just the couple that love each other so much that they are willing to go the distance to make sure that they stay with the one they love for as long as it is possible to do so. I am talking seeing us in a rocking chair surrounded by our grandchildren.
Conclusion
I know we share the same vision and that we will work together on this life long project of ours.
Your spouse for life.
References
- Beebee, Steven A., Beebee, Susan J, & Ivy, Diana K. (insert year of publication). Communication – principles for a lifetime. (Insert Location: publisher).
- Gottman, John. (n.d.). Simple steps for making marriage work.
- Gottman, John, Silver, Nan. (1994). What makes a marriage work?
- Hartwell-Walker, Marie Dr. (2006). confused about what to expect in a marriage.
- McGraw, Phil Dr. (2008). Relationships / Sex: A good marriage.