An examination of The Compassionate Friends website showed a good example why focus is important in any help group. Death, dying and grief are such large subjects, that no one site can really provide valuable help for those in need unless the site is very focused upon filling a particular need. Also, this site offers more than just the help available on the site: it is the Internet presence of an international group formed to help families, especially parents and siblings, through the loss of a child. With the tight focus and the real world connections to real people in local areas, the site offers comprehensive help for families coping with the loss of a child.
The site is well designed and the design is very welcoming. There is no mention of membership or donations on the front pages and no membership fees, so people who need help do not feel as if they must pay for it. Somehow paying for help in dealing with the loss of a child just feels wrong. When people are dealing with grief, no matter how well meaning an organization might be, or how necessary financial support may be for the organization which may sincerely exist to help, asking for money will turn people away.
Grieving parents already do not understand why they suffered such loss, and they have likely already paid enormous bills for care before and after the death of the child. Asking them for money must surely appear as if someone wants to profit from their loss. While there are links where people can make donations or purchase resources to help support the group, help is not contingent upon this. No charge is made for brochures or membership. In addition, full disclosure of financial statements is easily found on the site.
The Compassionate Friends serves a real need in our communities where many families do not live close together. After the death of a child, parents often have few real resources unless they have a very different group of friends or attend a very forward thinking church. Often the family is spread across a continent, or even the world. Friend who have experienced loss, especially that of a child may know how much support the family needs, but most people do not really understand how long people need support. So friends may not be much help when it is needed. Grief is experienced differently by every individual, even though it is acknowledged that there are stages that everyone goes through. (Kubler-Ross 1970) This site acknowledges this and even mentions that it can take years before a grieving parent is ready for the help they offer.
The Kübler-Ross stages of grief helps terminally ill patients and those who have who have lost a loved one understand and accept the reality of death. This five-step process has become accepted as a worldwide model for grieving and bereavement. (Adomaitis, MaryBeth 2009) Though she initially posited three stages, it was expanded to five later. These are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It is the opinion of this author that on line sites, even those with real world local support groups, can do little for the first stage. Every person must get past denial in their own way, and most will do so without intervention. Once people reach the anger stage, then outside help may be useful. Many will actually go looking for help just because they are angry. During this stage support will often help people to progress through it as their anger is validated.
The site offers brochures, on line help contacts, links to resources, such as radio shows and connection to local help groups in the person’s area. The subjects of the radio shows look very interesting : “A Child Dies–What to Expect and How Long Does it Take?; Grief in the Workplace; Where Does Sadness End and Depression Begin After the Death of a Child?; Faith, Brokenness, and Healing After the Death of a Child.” Grieving parents can access these in the privacy of their homes. Many grieving parent simply do not want to socialize, even within a grief help setting. They may feel more comfortable in the home setting, however painful.
The site mentions that the five stages may be experienced in different order than listed, but a substantial percentage follow the pattern as listed above. The one stage that is most often experienced in different order is “bargaining”. Many survivors bargain before the death of the loved one, while others may hold off until much later. The next stage where survivors need help is during depression. It is during this stage that most people need human contact, especially with other survivors, but many will actively avoid this contact. The website format offers a way to transition from home to group setting by providing virtual help and moving the client forward and towards more open actions. The depression stage may last much longer than first three, but in most people, it is when they need the most support. This site serves this need by connecting the needy parents to the local live support groups.
Compassionate Friends also provides a page of links to other nonprofits with similar missions. In this way, if this site does not provide what the viewer needs or simply does not appeal to them, they may be able to find some other site for help. In all the resources available here should be helpful for those who need more than they can get from friends and family, which is most grieving families, since people are really mostly not equipped to give that help and may not even know what is needed to help people to get to the last stage, acceptance, and to help them recover to the extent of being able to remember mostly without tears and remember mostly the joy that the lost child provided.
References
Adomaitis, MaryBeth, 2009, LovetoKnow, Death and Dying, Kubler Ross Stages of Grief. Web.
The Compassionate Friends. 2009. Web.
Kubler-Ross, 1970, On Death and Dying, Tavistock Publications, London, England.