Introduction
It is said that people will forget what you do and say but they never forget how you make them feel. Love describes an emotion, act, or thought. Love means different things to different people. Love becomes even more complex when studied in the cultural setting. Most cultures have their unique way of not only expressing love to each other but also of defining love (The human experience 2008).
Body
A look at four cultures; the Tamil, Fulbe, Inuit, and Fiji people will help us appreciate the differences in cultural meanings of love. Love is described using different words in these communities. The Fiji people have two words for love veilomani (mutual and compassionate love) and Vedomosti i.e. mutual and passionate sexual love (Toren 1994 p.20-21). Among the Tamil people, the word and may be used to define love.
This word possesses many attributes including containment, cruelty, humility, servitude, and finally opposition (Trawick 1992 p. 93-116). The emotion of love among the Inuit people was not often expressed especially between spouses (Condon & Stern 1995 p.198) In all these three cultures, the feeling of love towards one’s spouse was not necessary for marriage. Love was equated to madness in the Fulbe community (Regis 1995 p.146).
Among the Inuit people, marriage was arranged (Condon & Stern 1995 p.197). Some children were betrothed at birth. Such agreements were however rarely honored (Condon &Stern 1995 p.204). Polygamy was practiced in both Fulbe and Inuit communities (Regis 1995, Condon & Stern 1995). A groom from the Tamil people gathered a few of his friends and went to visit a prospective bride’s home.
This visit was meant to allow the potential bride and groom to meet and see whether they appreciated each other or not (Trawick 1992 p.94-5). This showed that the two intending to enter marriage must at least like each other for the wedding to take place. In contrast, the Inuit people married for economic reasons (Condon & Stern 1995 p. 205). They valued compatibility more than feelings of infatuation (Condon & Stern 1995 p. 206).
Among the Inuit marriage for women was done as soon as they reached menarche while men had to prove their survival and hunting skills before they married (Condon & Stern 1995 p.205). A Fiji man looked for a woman who could perform the domestic chores well (Toren 1994 p.18). Men valued women for their ability to care for the family and the household. For the Fulbe, a father decided on who will marry his daughter (Regis 1995 p. 144)
Among the Fulbe, all expressions of love were either kept hidden or avoided. Regis (1995) asserts that love was avoided to help them maintain a level head at all times (p. 140). The community is made up of Muslims. The religion allows the men to marry up to four wives. They believe that extreme love for one wife would lead to unequal treatment for the others (Regis 1995 p. 144). Spouses who showed affection to each other were ridiculed by the community (Regis 1995 p. 144-5).
For the Fijians, love is expressed through actions. For the generation above 14 years, the younger ones were expected to show their veilomani through respect and avoidance (Toren 1994 p. 20). The Vedomosti kind of love was attributed to men more often than to women. In this society, a woman’s sexual desire was acknowledged (Toren 1994 p.21). She was however not allowed to act on her feelings. Toren (1994) describes the woman as a wife and a sex object (p. 21). This means that even though a husband and wife held affection for one another, the man was still the ultimate head of the home. Equality was not an option in this society. Some men asserted their authority by beating their wives (Toren 1994 p. 20-21).
The term used by the Inuit people to describe a lonely man is directly translated as ‘one who is without a woman’ (Condon & Stern 1995 p. 203). This shows that in this society, a man’s feelings were more valued than those of a woman. As earlier said, compatibility was highly valued in this society. Condon and Stern (1995) report that when a man chose a wife, he moved into his in-law’s home for up to two years (p.205).
This time was used by the two spouses to see whether they could live together. If not they were allowed to go their separate ways Among the Inuit people men and women had different reasons for entering into marriage. For women, marriage meant economic security. This is why men had to prove their hunting and survival skills before getting married (Condon & Stern 1995 p. 203). For men, marriage meant that they had acquired a bargaining tool. Condon and Stern (1995) also found that wife exchanging accepted (p. 197). This practice was meant to cement social, political and economic ties among the people (Condon & Stern 1995 p.198-9). The people also believed that the practice would reduce sexual tension and jealousy (Condon & Stern 1995 p.206).
In the Tamil community, showing once affection for someone was thought to bring a bad omen. The love a mother had for her child was thought to be the greatest form of affection (Trawick 1992 p. 93). Her love was to be contained and hidden (Trawick 1992 p.93).
In this community, love was shown by giving the child slaps and pinches. Trawick (1992) reports that the Tamil people believe that you only fight with those you love (p.101). Women are the ones who displayed their affection by being subject to their husbands. They were expected to put their husband’s needs first before their own. What a husband wants he got (Trawick 1992 p.110). Spouses were also not allowed to openly show their affection to each other (Trawick 1992 p.93). The woman could not even say her husband’s name but instead referred to him by his clan name or as the father to someone (Trawick 1992 p.109). This community believed showing affection to a loved one brought bad luck.
Conclusion
All the cultures accepted the need for some level of compatibility between spouses. Whether this could be called love is a question only the individual in the relationship can answer. Despite the feeling of affection, the male remained the head of the home with the woman expected to serve him. In this way, one could conclude that these communities expressed love to each other by each party playing their role in the relationship (Duncan &Northup). Fulfilling one’s duties was the foundation on which love and affection were built.
Reference
Condon, R Stern, P 1995 A Good Spouse is hard to Find: Spouse Exchange and Infatuation Among the Copper Inuit Romantic Passion: A Universal Experience? Columbia University Press, New York. pp. 196-218.
Duncan, S Northup, M Nurturing love and respect in marriage n.d Forever Families. Web.
Regis, H 1995 The Madness of Excess: Love Among the Fulbe of North Cameroun Romantic Passion: A Universal Experience? Columbia University Press, New York.
Toren, C 1994 Transforming Love: Representing Fijian Hierarchy Sex and Violence: Issues in Representation and Experience. Routledge, London. pp.18-39.
The Human Experience. 2008. Cultures on film. Web.
Trawick, M 1992 The Ideology of Love Notes on Love in a Tamil Family. University of Berkeley Press, California. pp.89-116.