The book presents a reliable and effective way of having difficult conversations, both at work and in our daily lives. The content is divided into three parts, which correspond to three stages of having a difficult conversation. The scholars suggest answering the questions of what happened, what feelings you have about it, and how the conversation threatens your feeling of self-identity. In the final part, the authors recommend remembering the purpose of difficult conversations – to learn something, not to prove one’s truth.
Interestingly, in the conversation about what happened, the authors recommend exploring different versions of the story, taking into account the arguments of each participant. At the same time, the scholars suggest disentangling intent from the impact and mapping the contribution system to abandon blame. After the actual reasons for the conflict or its objective side are clarified, the authors propose to move on to an equally important part of the conversation – recognition and, possibly, discussion of the feelings that lie behind words or events.
In scholars’ opinion, feelings are not just a background for any conflict, but an integrative component, since feelings can cloud the situation or even cause the problem under discussion. Of course, it is not always worthwhile to overly rely on feelings or subject them to detailed analysis. On the contrary, talented negotiators recognize their own and others’ feelings and consider them in the conversation, respecting each of the parties. Finally, the third part of the conversation is the recognition of the fact that any difficult conversation is a threat to the identity of the speaker. Therefore, before starting a conversation, one can analyze why it feels threatening and consider those elements that create subjective problems.
In general, the authors discovered that any difficult conversation is precisely because it is not about objective things, not about facts, but action and reflections. Therefore, they propose to follow the plan and include all the elements that make up a conflicting conversation. Noteworthy, the authors do not overload the book with details and conveniently divide the preparation for a difficult conversation into three stages, which are easy to remember. In addition, the author’s attention to the inner side of the conversation is valuable since the inner side usually seems unclear or not fully comprehended by the participants.
It is noteworthy that the scholars use the approach developed by the Harvard Negotiation Project, which proposes to take into account in negotiations not only objective facts or reasons but also feelings. The authors interviewed more than 1,000 people, including university and college students, fellow academics, and others, as part of the work on the book. The book represents a universal solution to conflict situations that will help managers unobtrusively and easily resolve conflicts without worsening the situation.
I think that managers will benefit from this book since they will learn how to manage difficult situations at work and in personal relationships. Keeping conversations honest while motivating others is a graceful art that can only be learned through practice. As a rule, people tend to ignore difficult situations that seem lose-lose in any of the imagined scenarios. But such conversations are necessary, as they help remove some of the obstacles that make life unpleasant and work-life – ineffective.
The book can be useful for leaders since their main task is to create an atmosphere of support and mutual understanding in teams. But, if there are protracted unresolved conflicts between the team members, it is very difficult to create a favorable atmosphere. At the same time, conflicts can arise during the work on projects, when it is necessary to respect the contribution and expectations of each of the participants. In such a situation, conflicts can slow down performance and affect results, as well as job satisfaction. Having difficult conversations can help solve these problems effectively if leaders follow the simple instructions in the book.
This book, Difficult Conversations, is not on the management reading list, but it should be added to the list. The book is valuable because it provides straightforward recommendations for conducting difficult conversations with colleagues, bosses, or subordinates. The author is a master at presenting the material with real-life examples and citing feedback on how the tips were implemented by the readers.
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