While Petersen (2015) offers great advice on making our listening practices constructive, respectful, supportive, and non-judgmental, Schultze and Badzinski (2015) describe the process of attentive listening and provide Bible-based principles for maintaining relational harmony. When I examine myself as a communications partner and a listener in light of this material, I realize that I need a lot to become a better person. Like most people, I fear public speaking. I get terrible anxiety and panic attacks when I appear in front of a crowd to deliver a speech. It is only now that I am trying to overcome these fears and speak well. I realize that public speaking skills are learnable, provided that one has a sustained interest in acquiring them.
When it comes to conversations, I have four problematic tendencies that get in the way of good listening: defending, advising, disagreeing, and agreeing. I do these things in conversations unconsciously, mostly because I am seeking the friendship or approval of the speaker. Sometimes, it is also a lot of fun doing them. Unfortunately, these four undesirable elements of conversations have always prevented the listener from hearing the talker and responding to them (Braithwaite et at., 2021). The worst tragedy in using them is my inability to catch them. Moving forward, I will implement more effective strategies to reduce my utilization of these issues, dealing with each issue independently and according to its impact.
To listen without agreeing, I will stay focused on understanding the speaker. Inwardly or outwardly agreeing with the listener or considering doing so means that I am not listening. Instead, I am milling around my thoughts and missing important points. In every conversation, the pressure to agree, disagree, defend, and advise is very strong (Petersen, 2015). It seems to me as a natural way of lengthening and strengthening bonds. Sometimes I react the way I do in these conversational settings to prove to the talker that I am listening. Agreeing with them throughout the conversation, for example, is my way of showing them that I support what they are saying. However, I have realized that while this tender loving care may be well-intentioned, well-received, and appreciated, it hampers conversations eventually. Talkers end up upset with me when I no longer offer them this kind of support. When I agree with the talker more, I alter their conversational approach and put them into a comfort zone where they stop communicating objectively.
I have also realized that people get more satisfied when heard than when they receive temporary support in agreements. Speakers need a listening ear more than verbal agreements and support (Carbonell, 2008). For example, when I recently engaged a friend, she kept attacking a close family member. I was tempted to jump on that bandwagon and attack that person, too, but only stopped when I realized I did not know the person. It is typically acceptable for family members to roast each other because the relationship between the subject of the conversation and the listener is different. I once found myself in an awkward situation attacking a friend’s relative after she had started talking negatively about that person, only for her to start defending the individual in the middle of our conversation. Since then, I have exercised caution while conversing with others to refrain from similar mistakes. I also watch my words to catch myself when defending, agreeing, disagreeing, or advising. If I catch myself early enough, I will get back to listening and help the talker express themselves fully.
The agreement is not entirely bad, but its appropriateness changes depending on the conversational context. I will find constructive ways of using it in my conversations. I will limit my agreeableness to nodding to the speaker without saying extra supportive details. I will also build rapport and create a conducive environment for effective conversations, and listening without being too attached or swayed by the story (Schultze & Badzinski, 2015). I will critically consider the context of my communications before reacting in any way. I will listen without disagreeing, changing my approach depending on the context. This work requires controlling urges to offer advice during a conversation because it does not help. Learning to control the urge to assist will contribute positively to more fulfilling conversations and relations.
Giving advice makes us feel important because we always want to help. However, realizing that people rarely take advice is the key to not offering any. Even when the person in a conversation seems to be in a dilemma, they may not desire unsolicited advice. Offering unsolicited advice is synonymous with downgrading a person and looking down upon them for their inability to handle their problems. Speakers need a listening ear, not a controlling conversational partner (Petersen, 2015). When I look back, I notice many occasions when I offered unsolicited advice too quickly in a conversation. In most of these encounters, the listener rejected my recommendation with displeasure. Now I understand that this was a natural and expected response in that special circumstance. I know I have a permanent solution to all these problems, and that is incorporating the scriptures.
By thinking Biblically, I will avoid many conversational problems that could ruin my relationships with others. The Bible will provide guidance and help me analyze situations properly and respond accordingly. One of the foundations of scriptural thought is admitting personal limitations or accepting that no human is perfect. Our mistakes represent our perfectly human nature, and accepting personal limitations is evidence for critical self-examination. One of the highest aims in Biblical thinking is wisdom, which exists in the form of enduring and often practical truth from God’s Word that we come to understand as a result of our faith in Jesus Christ.
References
Braithwaite, D. O., Schrodt, P., & Phillips, K. E. (2021). Introduction: Meta-theory and theory in interpersonal communication research. In Braithwaite, D. O., & Schrodt, P. (Eds.), Engaging theories in interpersonal communication: Multiple perspectives. (pp. 1-23). Routledge.
Carbonell, M. (2008). How to solve the people puzzle: Understanding personality patterns [VitalSource e-book]. Uniquely You, Inc.
Petersen, J. C. (2015). Why don’t we listen better? Communicating andconnecting in relationships (2nd ed.). Petersen Publications.
Schultze, Q. J. & Badzinski, D. M. (2015). An essential guide to interpersonal communication: Building great relationships with faith, skill, and virtue in the age of social media. Baker Academic.