The book talks about the angry pain we feel when we are victimized by the selfishness of others which is an inevitable part of the human condition. How we react to those injustices can make all the difference in our hearts and lives. The book also offers biblical guidance for overcoming our hurts and arresting the vicious cycle that causes us to hurt others. The author helps us understand the pain in our past and the ways we continue the cycle. She later shows us how hurtful patterns can be broken and the love of Jesus (the healer of all hurts).
Book review
“Hurt people hurt people” is more than a clever phrase. Hurt people hurt others because they themselves have been hurt (page 6, 7). And each one of us has been hurt to one degree or another. As that damage causes us to become defensive and self-protective, we may lash out at others. The angry pain we feel when we are victimized by the selfishness of others is an inevitable part of the human condition. How we react to those injustices can make all the difference in our hearts and lives.
According to Sandra Wilson, the body does not like pain. It hates it so much that it develops defenses to reduce or mask the pain. If one allows these “mechanisms” to mature within their spirit and not properly address the source, the mechanisms will build their own set of forces. These forces must surface, and they work their way out of our spirits into our feelings and thoughts. They distort reality, and soon the hurt people are seeking the “cause” of their pain outside themselves. When these cycles mature, the person becomes very critical and sensitive to others (page 12- 16).
They cannot bear to address the cause of their own pain. In fact, if this condition is allowed to continue, they will soon not be able to discuss from where their pain emanates. What comes next is a very critical spirit. “No one pleases them unless they are focusing attention on them in the way that soothes their spirit” by Sandra Wilson. It is not fun to be around a hurting person who has allowed this condition to mature within them. You will find that their total conversation is critical of others. They see every action around them through very critical eyes, and it becomes nearly impossible to please them.
Critical analyzes
Sandra is a renowned Christian author who has been involved in numerous Christian writings, such as released from shame, Into Abba’s Arms, turn in your captivity, restoring the fallen and the book we have just been talking about. According to Sandra’s book “Hurt People Hurt people”, Critical people who choose to live in their pain drive others away from them.
They keep trying to find as friend, but the only ones that will respond are others who are also choosing to live in their pain. But in the real sense, life does give us pain but also it often takes some time to process through to find peace again. However, it is a quite different thing to embrace your pain and choose not to process it in healthy manner.
When hurting, others may throw their darts and words on you, but God gives us the power to not become entrapped in them. You should therefore avoid revenge and concentrate on peace and joy that you may have experienced (Sandra 43). That is different from the real world because when hurting people lash out, it is in response to what’s happening inside them than what’s happening around them. They feel or believe something negative within themselves. Hurting people hurt people and are easily hurt by them. (Backus & Chapian Truth in the Mind)
Maybe it is all they know, or some of retribution, but violence in our world could be reduced if we had some way to reach them before they do hurt someone. Maybe it is how they are trying to communicate what happened to them.
Hurt people can only hurt others if allowed to do so. With adults, know that you can judge the size of a person by the size of the things that they allow to make them angry. Yes, we’ve all had initial feelings of hurt as the result of others’ actions and words. But, when we take a moment to really look at the situation, all of us have the power to draw the line and refuse to accept another’s hurt.
Remember that people say and do boneheaded things from time to time without thinking. People forget, lose their tempers, underachieve by our standards, break promises, cheat, and lie and do other things that disappoint us. Sandra’s book is in disagreement with this because it does not make allowances for people’s differences (Sandra page 15).
Human beings make errors. Values amongst us are varied. If you keep your standards very high, you are subject to be more sensitive around people with low standards. If you have low standards, you will feel offended and slighted by those who have high standards. That said, the bottom line is this: when someone is hurting someone else, they are acting from a place of pain and hurt. Diminish the hurt to make room for enrichment. Instead of hurt people hurting people, you then have enriched people enriching people.
Pains born of past regrets lose their hold over us. There are five reasons on why people tend to hurt (physically or otherwise) others: they do it for kicks, they do it for vengeance, they get manipulated to do it, they don’t actually know they’re hurting others, and lastly, because others allow them to do the hurting.
Call it lack of sensitivity, if you must, but some people can be tactless sometimes they hurt others without really meaning to. The hurting may come in the form of a seemingly trivial comment, a broken promise, a missed appointment, and even simple acts of courtesy that might have been overlooked for whatever reason. Enemies can hurt you, but sometimes friends and loved ones can hurt you more. Always put yourself in the other person’s shoes; never assume that the other person always understands. S/he may be in one of those wake-up-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-bed days or may be particularly feeling down and out, you may be rubbing salt to her/his wounds, making it all the more unbearable.
The acts of hurting and getting hurt are but parcels of our human existence. Each of us inevitably gets hurt one way or the other, and there’s no escaping that stark reality. We invariably cause other people’s pains and sufferings, too, by mere thoughts, words, or actions, however we deny it. Whether the hurting was done just for kicks or vengeance, out of sheer manipulation or mere insensitivity, or because there are willing (Jay Adams Helping People change).
Victims, it’s not really the beatings we received that matter, but how we deal with those hurts. We can accept each whack in the back nonchalantly or make our indignations heard. We can own up to our faults – if we’re to be honest about it – that we deserve what we’re getting or we can justify our ill treatment of others. Whatever – different folks, different strokes. The morale is: No matter how harshly others treat us, we must not lose sight of what it’s like to live without resentment in our hearts. We may not always forget, but we can always forgive those who have wronged us. Continue to believe that there’s an inherent good in all of us, that there’s no such thing as people born bad, and that there’s still hope for humanity.
To take the pain and become a bitter and critical person is a huge price to pay. Hurting becomes a vicious cycle. But God can help us break that cycle. He offers His healing and hope. All we need to remember is that God will never let us down; he’ll never let us be pushed past our limit; he’ll always be there to help us come through it.
Continuing to warmly reflect and involve ourselves in whatever emotional pain others share will in itself have a powerful and sometime revolutionary effect. Don’t quickly offer advice or suggest referral. Stay awhile and listen. If good advice occurs to you, offer it.
Pain and suffering are at the opposite end of enjoyment. Instead of trying to draw other hurting people into your critical view, seek your Heavenly Father’s input and guidance. Demonstrate love and acceptance of the person. Remember how God loves you when you are unlovable. In love, ask God to show you ways to encourage the person and perhaps a word that would cause them to ponder their ways.
In conclusion, Sandra Wilson book is a strong influence of change that is socially and based on the teaching of the bible. The Bible is totally sufficient to teach us what is true, convict us of what is wrong in our lives, corrects us so we get back on the right path, and trains us to live a faithful, godly life. The book “Hurt people Hurt people” does not give the real picture of the present situations and the problems experienced today on an individual level. Jay Adam suppots Sandra’s work by quoting “If that outward change does not involve a change of heart toward God, it creates a self-satisfied person who, to that extent, has become a Pharisee”. External changes that do not follow an internal change of heart towards God always move a person farther away from the Lord, hence for Sandra’s book to be more practical she should include an individual’s perspective and differences in dealing with change and anger.
References
Sandra Wilson’s, Hurt People Hurt People. 2001.
Larry Crabb, Effective biblical Counseling.
Jay Adams, Helping People change.